The frozen wastelands of southern Marion County
Thursday, 5:45 p.m.
January 4, 2018
Dear Clean Freak,
I’m writing to tell you about a decision that’s so utterly nuts, so downright kooky and so potentially boneheaded that…
- My wife thinks I'm crazy.
- My accountant thinks I'm crazy.
- Heck, even I think I might be a little crazy.
You're likely reading this because I’ve cleaned your carpet before. And if you’ve been a customer for some time, you remember that my company used to be named Accuclean. But I never liked that name. It sounded like a janitorial service or something, and did not appropriately represent my rockstar status in the local carpet cleaning scene.
So back in 2012, I racked my giant brain for a debilitating six-month power-thinking session, trying to come up with a better name that would be amazing, clever, awesome and revolutionary…
Instead, I came up with “Middle Key”.
In the summer of 2013 I officially changed names from Accuclean to Middle Key, confusing and angering everybody in the greater Ohio Valley area. The name went over like an especially offensive blonde joke at a hairdressing convention.
Nobody understood it and it just didn’t connect.
But since then, some exciting new chemistry has been invented in the carpet cleaning world. I’ve been testing some of these new products, and let me tell you… they are quite special!
One of them is a cleaning agent made from two harmless detergents, washing soda (the same stuff your grandma would have laundered clothes with back in the day), baking soda, food-grade enzymes, and… wait for it… ORANGE OIL!
Yes, ORANGE OIL! This stuff smells amazing and cleans the ever-loving bejeezus out of some carpet. And, as a noteworthy side benefit, it actually doesn’t cause cancer in lab rats. Therefore, I’m going to start using this product exclusively, and you are going to absolutely love this stuff.
So here’s what I’m going to do, and yes, it’s crazy. I’m changing my business name…AGAIN. No, I didn’t go bankrupt. No, I’m not hiding from the IRS. No, I’m not running from bad online reviews (I still have perfect 5-star ratings on Google, Facebook, Angie’s List, and Rate Lobby).
I’m simply choosing a name that reflects the new direction of my business, which is all about safe, orange-based carpet cleaning. It will make a whole lot more sense than “Middle Key”.
What’s the new name? Try this on for size: CitruScrub.
Holy smokes! Now THAT has a nice ring, doesn’t it? But here’s the thing…
You’re probably thinking, “I’m gonna call Ross no matter what, so what’s the point of him changing his business name…AGAIN? He’s such a weirdo—really intelligent and uncomfortably good-looking, but still a weirdo.”
Well, what the new name will do is, it will help me get truckloads of NEW customers, which is part of my evil master plan.
Am I crazy for changing my business name again? Yes. Yes I am. But it’s going to be so much easier to build a lasting brand that attracts new customers, so I’m doing it.
Hey, thanks for reading, thanks for being a customer and I hope to see you soon. I can’t wait to show you this new orange-based cleaning. I guarantee you’ll LOVE it.
PS- I just want to make sure you understand how amazing this new orange cleaner really is. The stuff contains only six ingredients, all naturally-derived. That’s probably less ingredients than your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe, which is pretty revolutionary for a professional-strength cleaning agent.
And the real kicker? It works even better than the traditional, more mainstream carpet cleaning chemicals that contain dozens of unidentified, unpronounceable and unsafe ingredients.
Plus, the glorious, natural orange fragrance is so intoxicating, you won’t believe your nostrils.
So who else wants fresh, toe-wigglingly clean carpet that smells great, feels soft and fluffy and looks absolutely gorgeous? Simply call or text to schedule an appointment.
Call or text: 317-370-9075